The Price of Memories
by wynn12
Summary: Sequel to Toys, because apparently I can't leave my one-shots alone. It won't make any sense without it, btw. How dangerous is it to start a game you don't know how to play? Byaruki.
1. Chapter 1

This fic is a sequel to my first bleach fic, _Toys_, and **it won't make any sense if you didn't read it****, **so I recomend you read it or re-read before this. This is more like a chapter 2, really, but I decided to create a new archive instead of including a new chapter because Toys was supposed to be a one-shot, so I'd like to leave it that way. Still, you guys asked for a sequel, so here it is, because apparently I can't leave my poor one-shots alone (vide Mystery in the Night).

I wrote this chapter some time ago and never published, but I liked it, so I decided that maybe I should… I hope you enjoy it. :)

Warning: This fic has Byakuya/Rukia as pairing, not as siblings. As usual, don't like it, don't read it. It will contain lemon in the future. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome. And of course, I don't own anything from Bleach (but I'd love to get a Byakuya as a x-mas gift!).

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Byakuya opened his eyes and noticed he was probably late. The sun, disgustingly bright outside, indicated he had overslept - something extremely rare. If it was due to indulging in grief until late in the previous night, or due to the best, most restful sleep he had had in some time that followed it, he didn't know, nor did he want to find out. He started his morning toilet dutifully, proceeding a little quicker than usual. Before leaving for breakfast, he checked himself, making sure he was once again the pristine image of the Kuchiki head – kenseikan, scarf, gloves, captain haori – everything was perfectly in place. Still, while walking towards his bedroom door, he looked gloomily at the clarity outside and couldn't avoid the impression that, in contrast with his image, he felt dirty.

Thankful that Rukia had probably already gone to her squad, since she was nowhere in sight, he ate a light breakfast quickly, and before his mind could go back to the sorrow and self-disgust that had haunted his thoughts in the previous night, he decided, almost unconsciously, that that day would be very busy.

#####

The captain of the sixth division was sitting at his desk; his usual proper and stiff manner and the paper in his hand would not denunciate how much his thoughts were away from the content on the sheet, as his mind once again drifted to a much different subject.

Her scent, so delicious, and so much like another one he remembered, from long ago… the feeling of her sweet lips, of her small, delicate body under his, holding him… the mere possibility of never feeling those again was so painful that it made Byakuya feel sick. Yet, the cold truth was that it was the right thing to do, and the only option.

Guilt made him feel even sicker on his stomach. How could he have been so weak? He didn't know what had possessed him to act like he did, to do something so completely immoral, not only once, but twice. He had dishonored the memory of Hisana, and this realization was simply unbearable. To say he was disappointed at himself would be an understatement. He couldn't even understand it. His acts were completely irrational and foreign, as if a totally different person had committed them instead of him.

But the memory of Rukia was very vivid in his mind, as painful as it was alluring. He was risking too many things he considered dear to him, from the Kuchiki name to his own sanity. Why couldn't this be enough to endure the fact that he couldn't and would never have Rukia again?

And then, only for a brief moment, he wished he could be someone else, somewhere else… that Rukia wasn't who she was, and that he could meet her in a completely different situation. He wished he was free to fight for that last strand of hope that refused to leave his heart. How could he have fallen in love with the one woman he could not have? And the worst part was that she had accepted him… not only once, but twice, which made it all even harder to resist. He knew that she would, again, if he tried… If only he was free…

Shooing away that undesirable train of thought yet once more, he tried to concentrate on the paper sheet in his hands. He was probably staring at the same one for a while now. At that moment, Byakuya was truly thankful for how oblivious his lieutenant could be, sometimes.

However, his plan had failed. Clearly paperwork was not distracting enough to pull him away from the topic he wanted to avoid so very much since he woke up. He needed something to focus his mind on, and that could not be found in his office.

"Abarai," he called, standing up. "I'll take the afternoon off for some practical training. Please finish that pile on the left of my desk."

"Hai, sir," Renji stood up and moved to get said paper pile, a little startled at his captain words after so many hours of silence. It was probably past noon, he considered, looking at the sun through the window.

#####

The sun was setting, turning the sky into a kaleidoscope of orange and crimson. Byakuya was feeling physically exhausted, but it was a good feeling. The best he would probably be allowed in his current predicament. Senbonzakura was the best company he could have had that day, as it helped him concentrate on his fighting skills and forget everything else. However, as the warm breeze of the sunset touched his face, he was reminded that soon he would have to go home. And he, Kuchiki Byakuya, feared the moment he would cross the doors of the Kuchiki state again.

How could he have placed himself in such a situation? As if his feelings for Rukia were not bad enough, the recent development had made it all much worse. Byakuya cursed himself internally once again. Why Rukia, of all people?

The question passed through his mind but didn't last long. After the last few days (or years, if he was honest with himself) of struggling with the "hows" and whys" of his developing feelings for Rukia, he came from venial denial to simple acknowledgment of the fact. He wanted her, and probably loved her, and that was just the way things were. But those were old struggles. At that moment, truthfully, the question that really bothered him was not any of those. As shameful and as useless as it was, the real question troubling his heart was actually: "why did he had to adopt her as his sister?"

This was definitely a bad idea from the beginning, he could see it clearly now. But he knew perfectly well the answer too. Hisana's wish. And with that remembrance his heart was filled with guilt and sorrow once again. He felt undeserving of her trust, he felt weak. And for a man used to power in its many forms, feeling weak was even more excruciating. Would she ever forgive him?

Honestly, he could not have predicted this. When he was informed that Rukia had been found he merely asked for the adoption procedures to be made, only meeting her in person in the very day they proposed the adoption. That was when he first got the feeling that this might have been a bad idea, to bring her into his house. He had been warned about their resemblance, but he really didn't expect it to be so great. The shock made it hard for him to maintain his stoic posture, but he had many years of practice on that. His face was emotionless as ever, its coldness almost as great as the tumult in his heart. But it was too late, the offer had been made and he would never take it back, especially as it was Hisana's last wish. He had cherished the thought that it wouldn't be a problem, that he would get used to her presence and eventually see her as his sister. Yet, probably suspecting his own weakness, he immediately decided it would be better if he maintained a distance from her, avoiding unnecessary contact. And that's exactly what he did. He deliberately avoided her presence, and especially avoided looking at her, as that was particularly painful. Still, all his precautions were useless and vanished in a single mistake…

Byakuya sighed, watching the full moon that had just rose, yellowish and conspicuous in the sky. It was time to go home and face the situation he had put himself into. He gathered all the strength he had and prepared himself for the struggle of being next to her again.

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That's it for now! I know it was short, but there's more to come. It's just that I need other things to write while my beta check my new chapter of Power and Duty, which is coming soon, btw. :)

Ja ne!


	2. Chapter 2

I finally got in the mood to write more of this! This time, we get to see more of Rukia's PoV. I hope you enjoy it.

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Rukia was sweating in the warmness of the room.

It had to be the hot tea. And the night that was too inappropriately warm for Spring. Definitely those.

She'd had another one of those dreams that night. _How most inconvenient_ – she judged, searching for reasons with eyes on the content of her plate to avoid the image of the man in front of her.

Her _brother_. _That_ was what he was, and her mind should better start grasping this concept soon. It wouldn't do to keep having these greatly indecorous and very un-sibling-like dreams about him. They would just add to the weird relationship they already had.

As she inhaled deeply the warm air of the night, inevitable images came to her mind. She had consistently dreamed about the same thing the whole week. No, to be fair, last night it had been slightly different. But still.

The first dreams were weirdly the same, exactly the same, like a subconscious mantra. The more she dreamed about it, the more detailed and vivid it became. Some parts were still blurry, but others were so vivid that they almost seemed real. Impossible as it was, she would rather forget it all. Or at least she should.

Rukia looked at her brother - he was too busy ignoring her as usual - and tried her best to banish those horrible images from her mind. It was clear that he would never look at her that way, much less indulge in those… things.

Rukia blushed at the image that threatened to come back.

And last night, yet another dream. A slightly different one, but in essence, they were all the same. Again, she was sharing a scandalizing and very unlikely night of passion with her brother. No, this wouldn't do.

Maybe the new dream was simply motivated by his late visit on her bedroom in the previous night. He was looking for something, but she couldn't quite remember what…

No, this was probably her fault, for never exactly accepting him as her brother, and it was pointless to believe otherwise. She had tried her best – she respected him, cared for him, admired him, obeyed him like she should. But the feelings... they never seemed quite right. They lacked the intimacy, the carelessness, the… she wasn't even sure what else exactly.

Her mind drifted to the two other masculine figures that once in her life shared this closeness she imagined as brotherhood. But if she was honest with herself, both Renji and Kaien-dono had at least once being cherished in a way that had nothing sibling-like to it. Maybe she just didn't know what it should be like, to have a brother. And here she was, failing again.

Her gaze fell on him, and this time his eyes were on her. It was an intense stare, and Rukia felt her cheeks flushing hotly and cursed herself for it. She followed his stare and could almost swear he was looking at her lips…

No, she looked at her plate again, with a strong effort to banish the images that had stirred a response in her body. Now these stupid dreams were certainly affecting her too much, to the point of being delusional.

"Would you pass me the tea?" she heard his voice and looked back at him, feeling almost breathless with the sultry air of the room.

She knew she should serve him instead, but she didn't dare to go closer to him, so the offer stood silent in her throat. She handed him the jar, quickly withdrawing fingers that still touched his slightly, causing a burning in her skin that the heated porcelain hadn't.

He seemed satisfied with only that, and oblivious to her silly preoccupation.

Rukia gave an imperceptible sigh and proceeded with her meal in silence, decided to avoid looking at him for the night.

But as they finished dinner and moved to their bedrooms that were so close to each other, she couldn't deny a silly disappointment in her heart when they reached her bedroom and he said "Good night" and walked away without looking back.

Of course it was preposterous to even imagine anything else, and she suddenly felt foolish for dreaming of such a thing, and ah, if only she hadn't, for now she had rediscovered a doubt, a hypothesis, a wonder and a longing feeling that she had almost forgotten since her adoption, as time passed in the loneliness of the Kuchiki mansion.

Resting her head on her pillow, Rukia couldn't help but think about how easier it would be if only she could forget everything.

In the meanwhile, on the other side of her left wall, someone was trying hard to forget a scent – an intoxicating, sweet scent that seemed like wet flowers, fresh from the rain – and mourning over small accomplishments that shouldn't feel like accomplishments in the first place.

Because nothing was so easy in the life of Kuchiki Byakuya, and maybe that was exactly what he deserved.

'No,' he concluded guiltily - it was much less than that.

#####

Even if she tried over and over to forget it all, Rukia found herself wishing for reasons to visit the Sixth Division, and even more tempted to bother him when he didn't join her in the dining room the following night, but, finding no excuses to do so, she admonished herself for what could only be considered a very immature behavior, not to mention highly improper. She wouldn't think about it any longer. Now if only the dreams would stop…

It was solely because of how hot the night was, and because she couldn't sleep, and in absolute it didn't have anything to do with the likelihood of meeting him that she decided to go for a night walk in the garden. Opening the door to the verandah, she was met with a beautiful full moon, one that painted the night sky in a lighter shade of blue, and everything else with a silver tinge. If only to ease her mind, the temperature was, in fact, much more pleasant outside. A warm breeze caressed her face and played with the strands of hair touching her neck, bringing in itself a faint sweet scent of flowers.

Lured by the scent, she followed the path to the sakura trees.

He wasn't there. She felt disappointed and relieved at the same time. Decided to enjoy the pleasant night, she sat under a sakura tree, reclining over its trunk. She raised her eyes and looked at the sky, the moonlight so bright that the sakura petals almost glowed silver.

It was a peaceful view, calm and still, and she could hear no noises but the sound of the wind. Rukia closed her eyes - the warm breeze was a gentle lullaby, making her feel very drowsy.

And it felt like a dream when moments later she heard a familiar husky voice saying her name:

"Rukia"

If this was a dream, at least the setting was different this time – she registered, looking up at the image she was expecting.

"What are you doing here?" he asked emotionlessly.

He was wearing plain night robes and his hair, free from the kenseikan, fell loose around his face. It was all very fitting, but the cold tone of his voice could only mean this was not a dream at all.

"Uhn, it was too hot in my room," she answered poorly, only to suddenly regret her lack of a better explanation.

"It is dangerous for you to be here," he observed.

It sounded like a reprimand, and Rukia stood up, still looking at him. Dangerous? Not if he was with her…

'Yes, it is dangerous for her to be here,' Byakuya repeated inwardly, looking at her naïve, trusting eyes that looked at him with a hint of adoration.

It was time to do the right thing. We would not fail this time; he would be the brother he was supposed to be, he would not waver, he would not think.

And he would not remember.

"I am sorry. It was just such a beautiful night… " she tried to justify herself, if only to postpone her departure a little longer; if only to look at those lips a little longer, and maybe guess if they would feel warm as she recalled from her dreams…

"I understand why nii-sama—" she suddenly remembered when he asked her to not call him like that in her dream, but quickly dismissed it, "likes to visit the gardens at night."

She moved in place, firming her balance by stepping on an external root of the tree, getting closer to him with the movement. As she looked back at him, she found an intense stare and something unreadable in his eyes that seemed quite familiar.

Byakuya scrutinized her, studying every small change in her features, noticing every motion. It was with surprise that he saw the innocence in her eyes giving place to something deeper. The violet pools becoming serious, then tinted by a hint of doubt and curiosity; her breathing becoming heavier as her gaze travelled through his face and stopping at his lips; her eyes blinking slower, softly. And as they rose to meet his again, his heart started to beat faster at the realization of what he saw in them: hope… and longing.

She was close and looking back at him, and he could almost feel her breath. He distinguished a hint of her scent in the air, mixed with the sakura fragrance.

They kept staring at each other in silence for just a feeble moment in which even the wind seemed to have stopped.

Byakuya didn't say a word, but he retreated, breaking the eye contact, and hoping his body language would answer to whatever she was thinking with the same he was telling himself:

Do not come closer. We can't.

"You should sleep," he reminded her, moving away. Rukia blinked at those words.

"I will escort you to your bedroom," he added, so casually that she could almost believe nothing extraordinary had passed between them.

As she followed him towards the house, a few steps behind, she looked at his form bathed in the moonlight and wondered about what had just happened there. No, she was not mistaken. No matter how cold he had acted before, or was acting now, Rukia knew there was something else behind that mask. She would not be fooled. And she had a lot to think about.

She wished him good night as perfunctorily as he did, and it felt slightly painful to do so. And that night was filled with wonder, hope, doubt and regret, prodding the boundaries of the Kuchiki walls.

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That's it for now! I'm not entirely satisfied with the style here (if compared to chapter 1 and Toys), it just seems easier when I'm following Byakuya's pov, but I hope it was not too disappointing? - . - From what I have written, next chapter will probably be better. Liked it? Hated it? Please review!

Wynn


	3. Chapter 3

As requested in my new pool, a new chapter! Thank you for those voting! And commenting, of course! :)

I am unhappy with the result of this chapter, to be honest, hopefully it is not bad enough to be a hindrance to your enjoyment, though. Unfortunately I do not have a beta for this story (any volunteers?) so you'll have to bear with my errors a bit until I notice them...

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The abnormal warmth continued during that week, putting the whole Seireitei in a lazy, grumpy mood. If anyone would have noticed a certain captain's tired state, they would surely accredit it to the heat that was not letting anyone sleep. They would not be entirely wrong in this.

One thing did not go unnoticed, though. While Abarai Renji secretly wished his captain would join the general indolence that had befallen upon them, it was clear the heat was reason for a severe case of surlier-than-usual mood instead.

#####

Those warm days passed quickly, so quickly and hot and gloomy and busy that if the Kuchiki siblings were not so normally dedicated to their shinigami duties, the household would start to wonder if they were avoiding each other. The corridors and walls of the Kuchiki mansion were even emptier than usual, like an unspoken pact.

It was better that way, Byakuya thought at first. The less he saw her, the easier it would be, especially with things still so fresh and shaken. Living with her was becoming increasingly painful, and if he could not trust his own actions in the recent past or his treacherous heart that would take new life at the mere thought of her, now he also needed to erase whatever she could have imagined from their last encounter under the sakura trees. Yes, avoidance was the best solution for his current predicament, and he would ensure it with his actions, if he could not do it in his thoughts.

However, as the days passed, Byakuya noticed he did not need to so purposefully avoid her – Rukia could never be found anywhere around their rooms and would not show up for their meals on the right schedule either – in fact the only time they met was in the dining room when, after a few days, he got up earlier than usual, intending to avoid her, and found her already dressed in her shinigami uniform, heading the same way. At their meeting, she avoided his eyes and immediately mentioned she was not hungry and would go straight to her division, heading to the opposite direction.

In the days that followed, he observed she had not once showed up on his division, not even to see his lieutenant, nor could she be found in company of her captain, or on the streets of Seireitei or anywhere in the Kuchiki estate, even if he could still feel it when he searched for her reiatsu emanating from the other side of his wall at night. And in that Wednesday night, when he finally attended dinner at the usual time, the candlelight would make only one shadow at the wall, and the empty plates and glasses in front of him bothered Kuchiki Byakuya more than he would like to admit.

The emptiness of the house, that in the past had been so comforting for him, had once again started to feel unbearable, haunting him with those ghosts long forgotten in his heart that had reawakened with that fatidic mistake. Because it was exactly when she was nowhere, that she was everywhere. And it felt like he needed her to breathe.

And after two more days of steps that barely meet, and nights tortured by memories of her, he found himself searching for her reiatsu on the Kuchiki grounds that afternoon.

#####

There was not a hint of blue in the sky – instead, it showed a cadency of colors that varied from icy white to the darkest, slate-like grey that inevitably reminded her of eyes she was trying to forget.

The girl walked aimlessly through the gardens, letting herself be taken by the strong wind that mercilessly carried the heat away, announcing a storm that would probably fall before she got back to the house. She did not care.

#####

It did not take him long to find what he was searching for. She was not trying to conceal it, her reiatsu pulsing, screaming - a perfect reflection of the stormy wind surronding them. Following it, he easily spotted her, sitting not far from where they had met in their previous time there. _His garden_. He approached her slowly, making no effort to hide his presence either, but if she saw him, she made no indication, her eyes fixed on the greyish skies. Byakuya duly noted it felt comforting to see her again.

Scrutinizing her face, he found a delicate tinge of redness in her nose and eyes that indicated recent tears. Concern rose in his chest and he wished he could inquire about it, but he knew that questioning would simply damage the already feeble barrier that he had reconstructed between them and that would not do.

"Rukia, why are you here?" was the only question he allowed himself, and his tone deliberately sounded more like admonishment than concern.

"I…" she started to answer, but a single and big raindrop fell on her cheek, silencing her for a moment. She looked absentmindedly at the dark sky in response, and a gush of wind hit her face, her violet eyes falling on him again.

"It is nothing, nii-sama. I… just like the gardens," she lied, her eyes resting in the beautiful landscape around them. The strong wind would play with their clothes and shake their hair in contemptuous disregard for the tension between the pair.

The sky decided to imitate the girl with sporadic big raindrops that caught their attention. It was clear that in a few seconds a heavy thunderstorm would descend upon them. She looked at him and Byakuya couldn't quite decipher what exactly seemed different in those pools of purple.

"We should go inside," he suggested, but he made no move to denote intention of following his own advice.

"We should," she agreed, but kept staring deeply into his eyes, frozen in place.

A thunder echoed, calling their attention to the skies, but there was another grayness that seemed to get Rukia's attention more intensely. The raindrops were now a proper rain, starting to wet them, but the couple simply stood there, ignoring it despite their previous words.

"Rukia-"

"Please-"

They spoke at the same time, and stopped at the same time, still staring at each other, silence reigning for a while. She was the one who broke the eye contact, contemplating the rain falling over the trees.

"Does it bother nii-sama," she asked very slowly, very softly, almost in a whisper, without looking at him - "that I like the cherry blossoms?"

The second meaning of her words did not go unnoticed.

The cold wind blew strongly, raindrops falling over her trembling lips.

The rain had started to pour intensely upon them, hitting them almost painfully, causing shivers, awakening senses. He noticed she was shaking, perhaps because of the coldness, perhaps for other reasons. Her hair was becoming a mess of wet strands, her light yukata getting transparent, her eyes getting even more transparent, if her words were not enough.

Byakuya walked a few short steps, closing the distance between them. He stopped in front of her, their height difference becoming more evident. Pulling her face to him, he looked deeply into her eyes before answering:

"It does not. And therein lies the problem."

And then he kissed her. Or rather, they kissed. And behind those tied lips, there was secluded combustion, hidden fire, pain and relief. It was almost unfair that a single kiss could not portray the shattered hearts, that it had to encompass all those days of absence, all those nights of imagination, wonder and pain. To compensate for fifty years, for a whole life.

It was still contained, refrained, uncertain at first. _The first kiss for her_, he couldn't avoid the thought. It was almost refreshing, if it wasn't so full of guilt.

Again, she accepted it, like he knew she would. She was trembling and he pulled her to his embrace, warming her up. And he almost wished he did not feel so alive, that it did not make him so complete and happy to have her in his arms like this - and only like this.

Because he knew he did not deserve such happiness, not with Hisana and not with her, and it would only break him to taste it again. But he found out he could not stop it if his life depended on it. Because it felt like the opposite, like a survival instinct, to let his heart and his body feel and live again.

As this instinct took over, he concentrated on the kiss and nothing else, he breathed her essence and gave her his. The kiss started to get deeper, frantic, breathtaking. Hands would search for the other, pulling closer and closer in disguised desperation, finding only wet clothes to hold on. It was not close enough.

The coldness was no longer a problem, though. And yet, the storm was so intense that the wind could almost carry them, the raindrops falling with such violence that it was slightly painful, but it did not matter.

In perhaps a lasting sense of propriety, Rukia felt him pulling her into his arms bride-style and shunpoing to her bedroom, whose door was still opened, before she could even notice what happened.

What she did notice was him delicately putting her on her bed and resuming the kiss as he started to open her obi with skillful but reluctant fingers. Fingers that knew what they were doing but decided to do it anyways. These same fingers reached for the soaked kimono covering her shoulder, her arms, which were then being covered with his lips instead. She started to do the same in that dance of discovery, and when they were finally completely free of the inconvenient wet clothing and she could feel his skin on hers she decided that it was the best shelter she could ever hope for.

And for a moment, they were not who they were, he was not Kuchiki Byakuya and she was not Kuchiki Rukia… they were just themselves, male and female, man and woman, a couple that loved each other, that desired each other and it was perfect and simple as it should be.

And in their moment of abandon, both hearts just wished that was all they ever were.

#####

For some hours they slept entangled in each other's arms, and Rukia was unaware of his inner struggle as he once again had to remove himself from her embrace, where he wished he could stay for as long as the days he had.

He moved in a familiar direction in the dark, his heart heavy.

As he approached the table, however, he was surprised by a voice coming from behind him:

"If you do that…

…I will never forgive you."

"What?" He asked almost inaudibly, turning a bit.

"I mean it. If you do that again... if you remove yourself from my life and pretend this did not happen, I will never forgive you. If you never let us find out what this is or could be, I will never forgive you! Whether I remember or not, it will be forever in my heart and I want you to know that _I will never forgive you_!"

.

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And that is all for now. Hope you enjoyed it, please R&R.

Wynn


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